Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
An Elderly Man’s Weekend
May 21st, 2010 | 
Author: An elderly white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” he said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweler ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”
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Redneck Joke
The 100 MPH Goat…
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”
The second hunter says “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three,and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!”
Gotta Love The Differences In the Sexes
Sent to me by a friend…
Talking HER diary vs HIS diary
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, ‘Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
My motorcycle wouldn’t start today, can’t figure it out, but at least I got laid.
Hedgehog Jokes #1
Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.
Q: What’s the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?
A: A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.
Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A; To visit its flatmate.
Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A: To show his girlfriend he had guts!
Q: How do hedgehogs make love?
A: Very, very carefully!
Q: Why couldn’t the hedgehog wash his hair?
A: Because he’d left his head and shoulders on the road.
Q: Who’s faster, Sonic the hedgehog or the world’s fastest train?
A: A train of course, Sonic doesn’t actually exist.
Q: What is a hedgehog’s favorite flavour of crisps? (Chips in the US)
A: Prickled Onion!
Q: What do you call a hedgehog with hot lips?
A: Sonic the Hedge-Snog.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bush and a pig?
A: A hedgehog!
Hillbilly Jokes #2
Q: What does a 13 year old girl from Tennessee say after sex?
A: Git offa me, daddy, you’re crushing my cigarettes!
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Q. What’s the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A. A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.
Q: What’s the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There’s one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She’s wearing the cleanest shirt.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of the tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a “teethbrush.”
Q: What’s the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten each day.
Sex Jokes #1
Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A. You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Q. What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What three words do you dread the most while making love?
A. “Honey, I’m home.”
Q. Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A. So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Q. What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A. During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?
A. Phone her!
Q. How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A. If she has to chew before she can swallow.
Q: What do a condom and a coffin have in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumming and one is going! Read the rest of this entry »
Essex Girl Jokes #2
Q. Why don’t Essex girls eat bananas?
A. They can’t find the zipper.
Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus shelters.
Q. What’s the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
A. You know how many men went down on the Titanic.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
Q. What did the Essex girl’s right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing. They’ve never met. Read the rest of this entry »
Essex Girl Jokes #1
Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: How do you make an Essex girl’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do Essex girl braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers. Read the rest of this entry »
Hillbilly Jokes #1
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?” Read the rest of this entry »
Blonde Jokes #3
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked. Read the rest of this entry »