The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” he said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three,and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a  hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into  this hole here!”

 The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had  him chained to a transmission!”

Talking HER diary vs HIS diary

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, ‘Nothing.’

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.

I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep – I cried.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My motorcycle wouldn’t start today, can’t figure it out, but at least I got laid.

Q: What’s the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?
A: A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A; To visit its flatmate.

Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A: To show his girlfriend he had guts!

Q: How do hedgehogs make love?
A: Very, very carefully!

Q: Why couldn’t the hedgehog wash his hair?
A: Because he’d left his head and shoulders on the road.

Q: Who’s faster, Sonic the hedgehog or the world’s fastest train?
A: A train of course, Sonic doesn’t actually exist.

Q: What is a hedgehog’s favorite flavour of crisps? (Chips in the US)
A: Prickled Onion!

Q: What do you call a hedgehog with hot lips?
A: Sonic the Hedge-Snog.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bush and a pig?
A: A hedgehog!

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.

Q. What’s the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A. A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.

Q: What’s the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There’s one less drunk at the funeral.

Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She’s wearing the cleanest shirt.

Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of the tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a “teethbrush.”

Q: What’s the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten each day.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

Q. What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What three words do you dread the most while making love?
A. “Honey, I’m home.”

Q. Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A. So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q. What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A. During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?
A. Phone her!

Q. How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A. If she has to chew before she can swallow.

Q: What do a condom and a coffin have in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumming and one is going!

Q. Why is sex like air?
A. It’s no big thing unless you aren’t getting any.

Q. What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A. Her feet.

Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus shelters.

Q. What’s the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
A. You know how many men went down on the Titanic.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What did the Essex girl’s right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing. They’ve never met.

Q. What’s the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count!

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the M&M’s.

Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex?
A. What team do you guys play for!

Q. Why don’t Essex girls eat pickles?
A. Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

Q. What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q. What’s the difference between an Essex girl wife and your job?
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q. Why did God create Essex girls?
A. Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

Q. What’s the difference between a walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish – the other is a walrus.

Q. How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours?
A. Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What’s the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl ?
A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that fucked him !

Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.

Q. What is the difference between a shopping cart and an Essex girl?
A. A shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q. What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.

Q. What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friends.

Q. What do you call fifteen Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.

Q: How do you make an Essex girl’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do Essex girl braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger ?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl’s been using the computer?
A: There’s Tipp-Ex on the screen.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q. What’s the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don’t know what you are missing until they go down on you.

Q. What’s an Essex girl’s favorite wine?
A. “Daaaaddy, I want to go to Ibiza!”

Q. How do you get an Essex girl to marry you?
A. Tell her she’s pregnant.

Q. What do you see when you peer into an Essex girl’s eyes?
A. The back of her head.

Q. What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine?
A. Not everybody has been in a limo.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi.  I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
“OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”