The Bouncing Hedgehog
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Things Americans Believe…

My other half who is American – I’m English – and I have often talked about the different beliefs and cultures I have come across during my travels as well as some of the widely held and cherished beliefs Americans hold. I’ve been meaning to blog about that for some time, but she has gone and beaten me to it. Go and read it here – especially if you view life in America as the best thing since sliced bread.

An Elderly Man’s Weekend

An elderly white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” he said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”

Redneck Joke

The 100 MPH Goat…

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three,and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a  hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into  this hole here!”

 The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had  him chained to a transmission!”

Gotta Love The Differences In the Sexes

Sent to me by a friend…

Talking HER diary vs HIS diary

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, ‘Nothing.’

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.

I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep – I cried.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My motorcycle wouldn’t start today, can’t figure it out, but at least I got laid.

What’s With The “All New?”

Having lived in the US for quite a few years now I am still somewhat bemused at the constant usage of the phrase “All New.” All new? As opposed to what? Partly new? Mostly new? Just a little bit new? New is a perfectly good word in its own right and has a very clear meaning and/or connotation. So when and why did someone think that it need “all” in front of it to get the point across?

Cheaper To Let Your House Burn?

I recently received my yearly “give us money” missive from our local fire department. Nothing too unusual there. I am sure that most Americans get similar letters too. This year though, there is an added twist. This year it’s not the usual “we need your help” type letter – it’s a “give us money or else” demand.

“Or else what?” I hear you ask. Well may you ask. My local fire department has now adopted the practice (totally illegal in many states but not West Virginia apparently – of billing anyone who uses their services who hasn’t coughed up the “voluntary” donation.

What a fine shining example of capitalism. Making money out of other people’s misery. And don’t think for one second that if you have insurance and the fire department bills you that they will cover the cost – insurance companies are fighting that one and refusing to pay up. So… if you haven’t met their demands donated to them but you do have insurance it’s probably cheaper to let your house burn.

And what happens if your neighbor calls them out because your house is on fire? Who gets the bill then? Inquiring minds (well.. mine anyway) want to know.

It’s time this iniquitous practice was stamped out nationwide.

The Movie “Tripper” And Robert F. Kennedy Jr

Those of you who know me will know that I am a movie fan. I picked up a dvd a while back – The Tripper -  and finally got around to watching it. I liked the movie. It was a fun little comic horror effort that appealed to my somewhat warped sense of humor.  The movie had quite a strong political theme in some ways and definitely had a bone to pick with some of the “sacred cows” of American history. But what really got my attention though were the credits believe it or not. Usually the credits roll to music but not this time. They rolled to a speech. And it floored me. I am not used to American politicians telling it like it is rather than what they want you to think it is. It took a while to find the speech. It was given by Robert F. Kennedy Jr and although I had to find a transcript to see the complete speech (it was longer than the credits rolled for) it was well worth the effort. It deserves to be read, understood and listened to by all.

The speech…

I have been an environmental advocate for twenty years, and I’ve been disciplined during that period about being nonpartisan in my approach to this issue. The worst thing that can happen to the environment is if it becomes the province of a single political party. Most of the environmental leaders in our country agree with me. Five years ago, if you asked the leaders of the major environmental groups in America, What’s the gravest threat to the global environment?, they would have given you a range of answers: overpopulation, habitat destruction, global warming. Today, they will all tell you one thing: it’s George W. Bush. This is the worst environmental president that we have ever had. You simply cannot speak honestly about the environment in any context today without speaking critically about this president. If you go to the Natural Resources Defense Council’s web site you will see over 400 major environmental rollbacks that have been promoted by this administration over the last three and half years. It is a concerted, deliberate attempt to eviscerate thirty years of environmental law. It is a stealth attack, one that’s been hidden from the public. Read the rest of this entry »

Hands Up All Those Who Want A Civil War!

I am always interested in reading through the comments that accompany many articles published by newspapers online. It’s always a good indicator of just how fucked up society in the US is. But, immune as I am to some of the crass points of view that get put forward, even I did a double take when I saw that someone was calling for a civil war in the US.

WTF? I thought to myself. He must be out of his tiny little less than average IQ mind. Apparently he wasn’t alone. Many posters were agreeing with him. The mind (well, mine at least) boggles that anyone in this day and age thinks that a civil war is the answer to America’s problems. I would hazard a guess that most, if not all, of these gung ho wankers have never actively been involved in any war let alone a civil war.

Ask anyone, anywhere in the world, who has been involved in a civil war whether they thought it was great idea that cured their county’s problems and I very much doubt you will get an affirmative answer.

Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover this one. This really is a case of danger in the gene pool.

Just what the hell is this country coming to?

What Do You Want From Your Wireless Company?

I saw a commercial on TV recently,  T-Mobile if I remember correctly, that asked the question “What do you want from your wireless company?” The answer apparently was “cheaper bills than Verizon” or some such. Well, I guess cheaper where wireless plans are concerned is not a bad answer – although “cheap” and “wireless company” in the same sentence is a contradiction in terms.

So I thought long and hard about the question for oh…. at least 1 second and came up with a much better answer:

COVERAGE.

Why Am I Being Ripped Off?

Around two years ago gas prices in the US took a big hike – well over $4 a gallon for me. They literally doubled and as a result my grocery bill also doubled. I bitched at the time but put up with it purely and simply because I understood that delivery prices to the supermarkets would also have doubled. Most supermarket suppliers here have no choice but to ship by road no matter where they are shipping from. The rail infrastructure sucks so road is it.

However, gas prices now are significantly less than that high that was reached. As a result the prices I pay at the grocery store should also have dropped accordingly. After all, as they said at the time, it was the price of gas causing the problem, not them. But they haven’t. Not at all. I am still paying the same price in a lot of cases and MORE in many others.

Grocery prices in the US are much higher than elsewhere in the world anyway. Many years ago that wasn’t the case. Back in 1973 when I first lived in the US grocery prices were significantly cheaper than the UK – where I hail from. When I came over here in 2003 that position was reversed. The UK was way cheaper. What happened America?

Anyway, back to the present. Gas prices have gone down – my grocery bill has headed in the other direction. Not even for a few weeks was the drop in gas reflected in supermarket prices. So just who is responsible for me feeling ripped off? Trucking companies not dropping their “unavoidable” rise in delivery costs? Or the supermarkets who liked the higher prices which once gas prices dropped meant higher profits?